Sunday

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

Some people practice what they preach, others just practice preaching.

It was during the gold rush in the Yukon Territory. Amanpreet packed a bag, grabbed his Bible, and started out of the tent he shared with Jon. Jon asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm heading into Fort Dawson. I hear it's the wildest town anybody's ever seen. There's booze you could take a bath in, gambling, and women who'll drive you crazy with their favors."

"Why are you taking your Bible?"

"Well, if it's as good as they say, I'm planning to stay over Sunday!"

DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER

1: THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. Female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. Male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 minutes.

You might be a redneck if…

You mow your lawn and find a car.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

A man runs into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX