Monday

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

A man bought a parrot. It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a polly."

The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is really stupid!"

The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very lonely."

Never deprive someone of hope. It may be all they have.

A mummy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on an iceberg.

Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Koala bear?"

Mummy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear."

A few minutes pass.

Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Panda bear?"

Mummy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear!"

A few minutes pass.

Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Grizzly bear?"

Mummy bear: "Look! You are a Polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"

Baby bear: "I'm bloody freezing!!"

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever bought a used cap.

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.

Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"

The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"

Advice to all women

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section...buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you ...buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it ...buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want...buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors...buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores...buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually,...buy a dog.

But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, Then .............

Buy a cat.
(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental) ."