Thursday

Trying to make up for bad behavior, a man went to the shopping mall to buy his wife a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," the man replied, "She also needs a bra and panties."

Mrs. Jones says to Mrs. Brown, "My, what a beautiful diamond bracelet!"

Mrs. Brown smiles and says, "Thank you, my husband gave that to me when our first child was born."

Mrs. Smith says, "That's nice."

Mrs. Jones says, "Do you see that black Rolls out in the parking lot?" They all agreed they could see it.

Mrs. Jones said, "My husband gave that to me when our first child was born."

Mrs. Smith says, "That's nice."

Mrs. Brown asked Mrs. Smith, "What did your husband give you when your first child was born?"

Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh, he used the money to send me away for a week- end retreat where they taught me to say 'That's nice' rather than 'Who gives a flying f_*k'."

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was.

I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

You might be a redneck if…

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.