Wednesday

Confession joke cont...

Bill, feeling he was getting the hang of this, said in his most reverent tone. "What did you do my child?"

The man said. "Father, I cheated on my wife."

So Bill scratched his head and looked at the list, thinking to himself... 'That would be adultery... ok, here it is.' And spoke up to the man. "My child, do ten Hail Marries, five Our Fathers and go in peace."

The man thanked him and left and another took up their place in the adjoining booth. A woman's voice spoke out. "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Bill feeling relaxed now said in his most reverent tone. "What did you do my child?"

The woman said. "Father, last night I gave a guy a blow job on the first date."

So Bill looked over the list, ran his finger down it, looked it over twice more, but didn't find the offence and said to himself. ' What the hell do you give someone for the act of fellatio?'

He finally got up, stuck his head out the door and spotted an alter boy and whispered. "Ppsst! Hey, alter boy. What does the priest usually give for an act of fellatio?"

The alter boy smiled and whispered back, "Three snickers and a pat on the head."

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

The New York-New Jersey Trail Conference was preparing to move from its longtime home in New York City to Mahwah, N.J. The day before the big move, the following sign appeared on the door:
"Here today, gone to Mahwah."

Amanpreet walked into the paint section of the hardware store and says to the assistant, "I'd like a pint of canary-yellow paint."

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

"My parakeet," says Preet. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't."

"Listen, man, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" Amanpreet says.

Two days later Preet comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Preet sighs. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?'
She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'" --Rodney Dangerfield

"I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth
- just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth." --Ronnie Shakes

Some day I'm going to wipe that grin off my mother-in-law's face by telling tell her what her daughter and I did in high school. --Unknown

The revised version for today's woman

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you. .