Sunday

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story?

You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called.
"What's all the commotion?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance."

"Sociability is a big smile, and a big smile is nothing but teeth." Jack Kerouac

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the Chinese rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi said, "You Jew?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the Four Play?" says Doug.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

You might be a redneck if…

Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The searchy team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss then had to ask, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle...

"They're looking for me!"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.

"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."