Monday

A man went into a local pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman behind the counter informed him that she was the pharmacist.

She told the man that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male pharmacists employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with, as she had been a licensed pharmacist for many years.

The man shrugged his shoulders and agreed to share his problem. "Okay," said the man, "but this is a bit embarrassing for me. I have a permanent erection, which causes me lots of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're crapin' all over the bed!"

The site at http://www.holdthebutton.com/ invites you to hold the mouse key down. Now, before you hastily jump to conclusions that there's nothing more to this site, when you release the button, you are told how you rank in stamina with other button holders. And when I took my turn at the controls, I found that the longest record was a little over six hours, proving once again that some folks need to get a life.

You might be a redneck if…

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber smiles at her and says," Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs, too!"

Two old grizzled veterans from World War II were sitting in the park watching the children play and swapping war stories. As they talked, one's facial expression suddenly changed as he became very depressed looking. The other, noticing the change in his friend ask, "What is wrong Sarge. You look like you just got orders to report back to active duty."

"Well, its like this, old buddy. As old age creeps up on me, I find it harder to be the husband I should be to my wife. We are about the same age. How long has it been since you and your wife were intimate?"

"I think it was about 1945."

"1945! Has it been that long?"

Looking at his watch, the old man said, "That's not long. Its only 2030 right now."