Tuesday

She was a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night she was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials.
She took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then she set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, her son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at her coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not THAT bad, is it?"

Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line.

After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee

Don't work for recognition, but do work worthy of recognition.

The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."

Amanpreet and Judi were having troubles. They decided to attend a marriage seminar on communication.

The moderator declared, "It's essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." The moderator then looked at Preet and asked him, point blank, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Judi looked at Amanpreet with one of "those looks" (which said, "You better get this right.")

Preet nervously answered, "Uhhh, Pillsbury All-Purpose, I think."

You might be a redneck if…

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

Bill was visiting his best friend Anthony, a priest at his church one day. Bill sat down to wait while Anthony was finishing confessions. All of a sudden, Anthony comes out of the box with a strained look on his face and whispers to Bill.

"I have an emergency. If I don't get to the bathroom right now I'm going to crap down my leg. Handle the next few confessions for me."

Bill, looking shocked said, "Tony. I don't know shit about taking confessions!"

Anthony patted him on the shoulder, looking increasingly more strained and said, "When you're sitting down, look to the left, you'll find a list of the most common offences and what you have to tell them to do for atonement." He then scuttled off in the direction of the bathroom, leaving Bill his robe.

Bill slipped it on, and went into the booth and sat down. He heard a voice on the other side and a woman spoke. "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Bill said in his most reverent tone, "What did you do my child?"

The woman said, "This morning I took a dollar from my husband's wallet without asking."

So Bill scratched his head and looked at the list, thinking to himself. 'Theft, that would be theft, ok, here it is.' And spoke up to the woman. "My child, do one Hail Mary and one Our Father and go in peace."

The woman thanked him and Bill heard the door open, then close again, and another voice. A man said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Continued below...

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits.

"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"

Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"