Tuesday

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.

A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.

"It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. What do you mean ‘describe’ him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can’t help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."

My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!

Tried poisoning cakes,
stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.

But I failed at each plot
'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I took him back to Wal-Mart!

They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Y'all come back now, 'ya hear?"

They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll take back his mother next year!

They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,

Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

[A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.]

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"