Wednesday

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix...

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind... Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body & your fat are really good friends..

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber entered a convenience store in Oklahoma and demanded all the money in the cash register. However, when he decided there wasn't enough money, he tied up the clerk and began to man the cash register himself. He was still there three hours later when police came to arrest him.

A parachuting instructor was excited because his wife had just bought him a camera to wear while jumping so that he could tape the experience. On the way up to jump, he was so excited that he put new film in, checked the battery, and made sure the camera was secure on his helmet. He had an amazing jump - but he forgot to put on his parachute.

Police in a small Kentucky town spent hours attempting to talk a gunman out of a standoff situation. After seven hours the police became impatient and shot tear gas into the house. They realized that the gunman was standing beside them only when he began to yell toward the home, "Please just give yourself up and come out with your hands up."

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,'Sunday is my only day to sleep in.'

2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.'

3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.

4.There will be hearing aids for those who say, 'The paster speaks too softly,' and cotton for those who say, 'He preaches too loudly.'

5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.

8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.

You might be a redneck if…

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being. . . well, a little strange.

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

Last Words of Men About to Be Executed

As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, "Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel."

Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, "I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."

Sir Walter Raleigh said, "So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth." And then he was beheaded.

On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter," I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: 'French Fries.'"

Francis Crowley remarked "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Then he was electrocuted.

Just before being hanged, Neville Heath's last request was for a whiskey. "In the circumstances," he added, "you might make that a double."

Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: "I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."

Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, "Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way."

Jimmy Glass said, "I'd rather be fishing." Then he was electrocuted.

As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, "Are you sure this thing is safe?"