Thursday

"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more."

-- Woody Allen

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, "I'll go one better than that English bastard" and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, "I'll go one further than those mainland bastards" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

A business man was aboard the redeye when turbulence shook the plane, causing the flight attendant to spill hot coffee in his lap.

"I'm so sorry, sir" she said "Are you all right?"

"Yes, I think so," he replied. "But tell me, was that regular or decaf?"

"Regular."

"Just my luck," he moaned. "Now it's going to be up all night."

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father"."

The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third one says, somewhat haughtily, "Well, MY son is a Cardinal, and whenever HE walks into a room, he's greeted with 'Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women wait a bit, then give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is 6' 7", has plenty of money, broad shoulders, and is terribly handsome. He dresses very well, has a tight, muscular body, tight hard buns, and a very nice um, well a nice "bulge". And whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, 'Ohh my God...!'."

You might be a redneck if…

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too.

Not really knowing what a Michigan fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Jane has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Michigan fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Ohio State Buckeye Fan" the girl said!

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Jane why she is an Ohio State Fan?

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan, too," she responds. The teacher is angry now. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Jane smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Michigan fan."

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.... Please read the following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole.

He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.