Sunday

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"

I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was conceived under the "No Parking" sign.

Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them.

One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other said he could not tell.

Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling.

The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree.

He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Thanks Dave......

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing" . Well, here it is.

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs you.... That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America!

You might be a redneck if…

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday. Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."

"Tough crowd, eh?" Sam says. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem!" says Sam. "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. It's just gonna be the two of us."

For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver.

That changed one day when we were out for a drive with our three-year old son, Matthew.

Seeing a teaching opportunity, I asked Matthew about traffic lights. "What does a red light mean?" I asked.

"Stop."

"Good. How about green?"

"Go."

"And yellow?" I continued.

In his best deep-voice impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed.... "Hang on!"