Tuesday

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
PAUL LYNDE: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

Pauly went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey, Ben, do you like a woman who has a great big belly?

"No," says Ben.

Pauly asks, "Do you like a woman whose breasts hang down to her knees?"

"No," says Ben

"Well, Ben, would you like a woman whose hips are wide as two ax handles are long?

"No way!" Ben replies.

"Then tell me," asked Pauly, "why do you keep screwing my wife?"

You might be a redneck if…

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

This lovely young girl is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty old bastard comes in, eating a tray of king prawns.

He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor. Occasionally he tosses on onto the lady's lap with a sneer.

When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been eating from and throws it at the girl's face.

The young lady calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in the tray and throws the whole mess out the window.

Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.

"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"

"Yeah," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."