Wednesday

After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily packed lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from work late that day, she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her.
"What's this all about?" I asked sternly.
Opening her lunch box, my daughter showed me the drink I had given her that morning. It was a can of beer.

A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture.

In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!"

Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again."

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

You might be a redneck if…

Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said, "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass sure hurts like hell!"

A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a Shakespeare appreciation society performance.

After hearing talks from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation society use the hall for their performance.

It just goes to show that "actors speak louder than nerds!"