Monday

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "I don't believe you. You are justfooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

"Honest," says Bernie, "Its true!"

"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with thequality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Knowing I had completed a 20 year career in the Air Force, when a friend asked me what job I had, I told him I was a pilot. Sensing he was in the presence of greatness and wanted to be sure he heard correctly he asked again,

"Were you really a pilot?"

"Sure," I said. When the supply truck came every morning, the sergeant looked at me and said, "Hey, you. Pile it over there."

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called the plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, repaired the pipe, and handed the doctor a bill for six hundred dollars.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

"Yeah," the plumber replied philosophically, "neither did I when I was a doctor."

You might be a redneck if…

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and my grandfather is too.

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - - you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat -- you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets -- you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn caricatures with eggnog -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin -- you just might be a Scrooge