Tuesday

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

September is... Be Kind To Editors and Writers Month

Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that a shrubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it she'd better call the fire department.
She ran to the phone to place the call. She identified her-self, gave the location, and explained the situation.
"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"

A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service..."It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I met these guys every single day and always told them exactly where to get off!"

"Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

He replied, "Elevator operator in the Pentagon..."

You might be a redneck if…

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"