Wednesday

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A"" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder And saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Tourists ask a lot of interesting questions as we travel among the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, "Does the water go all the way aroud the island?"
Another asked, "How much farther until we're in the ocean?"
The one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"

At the school where I teach, three of my colleagues enjoy doing the newspaper crossword during lunch. When stuck for an answer, they often ask one another for help. One day, the athletic director asked, "What's the difference between the Goths and the Visigoths?"

The answer came back in familiar terms: "When they were at home, they were the Goths. When they were away, they were the Visigoths."

You might be a redneck if…

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?

(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.

(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?

(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six.

(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?

(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s".

(Scroll down for the answers)

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost."

The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"