Sunday

Bizarre U.S. Laws

Kansas:

It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.
In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.

Louisiana

In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
It is considered "simple assault" to bite someone in New Orleans; it is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false teeth.
It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine

In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her land- lord.
In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged.

"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls!"

"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!"

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

With the holidays quickly approaching, it's time for a Public Service Announcement about drinking:

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
loquacious
transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't -- no one wants to hear me sing!

You might be a redneck if…

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Basic Philosophy

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies. . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Amanpreet was visiting the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the immigration desk, he's visibly puzzled filling in the paperwork.

The Immigration Officer looks over his shoulder and sees old Lizard Pecker trying to write, "Twice a Week" into the small space labeled SEX.

The officer taps Preet on the shoulder and says, "No, no, no. That's not what we mean by the question. We're asking, 'Male or Female.'"

Preet says, "Does it matter?"