Saturday

I spend two hours preparing for a date

Only to find you're two hours late

I don't watch movies with lots of gore

Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hairI don't get jock itch

And just cause I'm assertive

Don't call me a bitch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday

The food in my fridge has no sign of decay

I don't go to Sears To look at the tools

I don't cheat at poker I follow the rules

I don't read magazines about cars

Don't pay for drinks at bars

I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"

And it's ok for me to cry

I know all you men

Think that you're "IT"

But compared to a woman

You just ain't SHIT!

To keep your husband from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "instruction manuals".
To keep your wife from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "car repair records".

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her.

So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

Professor Gonnen Dunnit of the physics department, has spent a lifetime pursuing the as-of-yet unreachable goal of creating cold fusion in the lab. In his latest effort, he used molecules from vegetables to trigger the process on the atomic level.

During one attempt, it seemed that Professor Dunnit actually achieved his goal - the process resulted in a spherical burst of energy. The professor wrote it up and submitted it, but no other scientist could duplicate his results.

The Nobel Prize committee considered his results but dismissed Professor Dunnit's efforts, saying he had only created a ball of corn fusion.