Friday

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible forreturning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged toone of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in awaiting area.

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes youranesthesiologist."

When my daughter was about 6, my sister was babysitting for the day. My sister had a soap opera on the tv and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing. My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, "Your Mommy and Daddy kiss - they're in love."
My daughter's rebuttal to that was "No they're not - they're married!"

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

Bizarre Laws of FLORIDA

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Pensacola, a women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self- beautification utensils.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned.

It is considered an offense to shower naked.

In Sarasota, if you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.

You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

In Sarasota, you may not catch crabs.

"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

You might be a redneck if…

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his butt over by the holy water," said the boy.

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.

"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop. You need to hit over there."

"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm a bit confused by dis game."

He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.

"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are long. But you might want to turn your hand over to correct that slice you seem to have."

"Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replied.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat?"

"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.

Smiling now, he said, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted, "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?"

"Vit gladness, tank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.

"Get rid of the Yiddish accent," she replied. "You're Chinese."