Monday

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two 25 pound king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."
The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said,

"You look better in person than you do on paper."

You might be a redneck if…

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)

It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the principal's office, and he asked, "What's your name?"

And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"?

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."

Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Boudreaux exclaimed, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"