Thursday

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Auto-X 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Desperate

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and the buns only eight?

My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?

Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.

Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."

On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.

At that time of night - it was now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.

When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, "What'll you have?" I replied, "Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking."

When the drinks came, the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a time. When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding, "But this time, leave out the fruit."

The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I didn't want the first drink!"

You might be a redneck if…

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

10 reasons Adam was the luckiest man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.

9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."