Thursday

New Medicines Now Available St. Mom's Wort

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and improves flirting.

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Anti-boy-otics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .......can we get naked now?"

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin
Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

<<< N O T I C E >>>

Always consult your family physician before taking new medication

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped down on an Iraqi Primary School and captured 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a geo-board, base-ten blocks, algebra tiles, a computer, a data projector, and a graphing calculator.

This proves that Iraq indeed possesses weapons of math instruction.

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

You have all seen those little hand painted signs hung in so many kitchens. Many are heart-warming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones:

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it.

There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out!

The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.

"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.

"You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana. So many they had!"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna."

You might be a redneck if…

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 M.P.H. zone.

"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the police officer that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.

The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license.

"Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?"

"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.

The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."

Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun on the cashier. He said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

Random Cartoon Title: Register b4 landing