Monday

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

COOL THINGS ABOUT HAVING A BEER BELLY

- You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.

- It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.

- It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.

- Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.

- Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires.".

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

Corporate Buzz Words

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis:
Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs:
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Tourists:
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware:
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands.
For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Sir Winston Churchill took three years getting through eighth grade because he had trouble learning English. It seems ironic that years later Oxford University asked him to address its commencement exercises. He arrived with his usual props. A cigar, a cane and a top hat accompanied Churchill wherever he went.

As Churchill approached the podium, the crowd rose in appreciative applause. With unmatched dignity, he settled the crowd and stood confident before his admirers. Removing the cigar and carefully placing the top hat on the podium, Churchill gazed at his waiting audience. Authority rang in Churchill's voice as he shouted, "Never give up!"

Several seconds passed before he rose to his toes and repeated: "Never give up!" His words thundered in their ears. There was a deafening silence as Churchill reached for his hat and cigar, steadied himself with his cane and left the platform. His commencement address was finished.

By Speaker's Sourcebook II from Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul

Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Aubery Nancy Mitchell, R.N.