Wednesday

Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:

"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers.
There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which.
As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.

Write soon, Affectionately,
Father

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus!
Measles!"

I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

English Is Grand

On a California freeway:
Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken Lenses Duplicated Here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

You might be a redneck if…

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine. Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation.

Perhaps he'd let us try out some of his first batch of hooch." The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing's brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey. "Here, try this and tell me if you think it's aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.

Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced,

"Crosbie's still's mash is young."

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......

"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"