Saturday

Word of the day, nerdstick;

Nerdstick: those little USB-based portable hard drives, usually kept on a keychain or lanyard.

Gimmie your nerdstick and I'll save you a copy of the Powerpoint presenation.

My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns."

I would feel better about Kosovo if Clinton would personally lead the ground attack.

A fourth grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

Little Mary raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

The bachelor finished his meal and placed his tip on the table as he finished his coffee. The waitress took one look at the three single pennies and said "Thank you for your generosity. You can always tell the character of a diner by the way he tips

"Oh, really," he said, "and what does that tell you about me?"

"Well you put the three pennies in a row," said the waitress, " That tells me you are tidy for starters. The first penny tells me you are frugal. The second penny tells me you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he said, "but what does the third penny tell you?"

"That tells me your father was a bachelor too."

You might be a redneck if…

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."

The city boy confused asked him what he meant.

The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."

The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm.

A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.

The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."

The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."

So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.

So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.

The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"

Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit them"

Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said,

"Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way.

A little while later, Jake says to Zeke,

"I wonder where those guys were going?"

Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida."

Jake asked him how he knew that and Jakes response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"