Sunday

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

It will be a while before Jack and Jill head up that hill for a pail of water again.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My parents have been married for almost 40 years. Whenever anyone asks my Dad how they've stayed married for so long, he claims they are compatible. They both like to fight! He says that they have come to an agreement on one thing...

He doesn't try to run her life, and he doesn't try to run his.

T'was The Night Of Thanksgiving

T'was the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned,
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation
with all of my might.

Tossing and turning
with anticipation
The thought of a snack
became infatuation.

So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge
full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey|
and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots,
beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling
so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling,
floating into the sky...
With a mouthful of pudding
and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell
as I soared past the trees...
Happy Eating To All!
Pass The Cranberries Please!

You might be a redneck if…

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver."