Friday

There is a full-length mirror in the police station's weight room, where some officers spend hours flexing their muscles.

One day a prankster posted this sign: "Caution: Objects in this mirror may actually be smaller than they appear."

The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club, and I was an out-of-shape new member. After a grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really getting me toned up."
She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."
Raising an eyebrow, she said, "Apparently, not enough."

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."

Truisms

Birds of a feather flock together, and then crap on your car.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

You might be a redneck if…

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has her hair done in the library? --Lily Tomlin

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. --Jim Carrey

I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy, and I realize I'm listening to it. --George Carlin

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two complete strangers sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. --David Letterman

I'm odd-looking. Sometimes I think I look like a Muppet. --Angelina Jolie

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. --Steve Martin

Comedy is acting out optimism. --Robin Williams

On a Canadian TV show a black comedian was holding forth and explaining how much he and his people missed Bill Clinton.

"Yep" he said "that's right --we really miss Bill Clinton. He was the closest we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number One: He played the sax!

Number Two: He smoked weed!

Number Three: He screwed ugly white women!

And Number Four: Even now - look at him, his wife works and he don't. And he gets a check from the government every month!