Tuesday

A woman from India moves to America and is living in a large apartment complex. She knocks on her neighbor's door and says (in your best India woman accent) "You would be excusing me but you can tell me where you go in your country to buy food?"

And the neighbor says, "Yeah, we got to these places called supermarkets. In fact, I'm headed there now if you'd like to go along."

The Indian woman says, "Oh yes, that would be very nice."

So they're in the market in the produce department and the Indian woman picks up two large russet potatoes and says, "You know, these would be reminding me of my husband's testicles."

To which the American woman looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, your husband's balls are that big?!"

The woman from India laughs and says, "Oh no, no, no, they're not this big, but they are this dirty!"

Two friends met. "You look sad, Fred, what's the trouble?" asked the first friend.

"Domestic trouble."

"But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl."

"She still is. It's the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble."

My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells his boss it's time to pay the piper.

The Images of Mother:
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

You might be a redneck if…

You haul more than U-Haul.

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters.

She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."