Wednesday

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in Hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

David got a parrot for his birthday. Unfortunately, it had a bad attitude and screamed expletives all the time. David tried hard to change the bird's behavior by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, but nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, it just got ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. He heard the bird squawking, kicking and cursing. Then it got quiet. David worried he had hurt the bird, so he opened the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped onto David's arm and said, "I'm sorry that i offended you. I will change my behavior immediately." Astounded by the bird's sudden politeness, David was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot said," May I ask what the turkey did?"

IN THE NEWS....

Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

You might be a redneck if…

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse?'

She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing Happened one day. The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know.

I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."

The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."

The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."

And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."

Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir."

And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"

"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.

And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"