Thursday

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

I started out with nothing,
& I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into
prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being
absent minded..

All reports are in;
Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost,
where is it?

It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat
cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat
- cause kids!

I wish the buck stopped here;
I sure could use a few. . .

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something
& then wonder what I'm here after!

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them.

They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they’ve been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife.

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks.

"Sure," he says.

She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you’ll remember."

"I’ll remember," he says.

"Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."

"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Hey, you forgot my toast!"

Brad Miller, Indiana Pacers center, on the team's struggles last season: "It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."

The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth.

"Oooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work.

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick.

Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for?"

"I'm sorry," his wife replied stiffly, "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

You might be a redneck if…

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Being in show business has its drawbacks. The other day I was at one of my favorite eateries, and I got interrupted midbite by someone asking me, "Are you...?"

I said, "Yes, I'm Dennis Miller. Can we do this later?"

He said, "Do what later? I just wanted to know if you were finished with that ketchup."

A blonde is driving home from getting her hair dyed as she notices a sheep crossing sign...

A farmer waved her down and asked her to stop and wait until his sheep are done crossing. She agrees to let his sheep cross.

She then asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could guess how many he had.

So, he said o.k., she said 432. He was amazed that she got the correct number and decided to let her have a sheep.

She got out of the car and picked the one she wanted and stuck it in the car.

The farmer then asked if he could guess her natural hair color if he could have his sheep back.

The blonde decided to go along with it since her hair was now dyed red.

The farmer goes you're a blonde, right?

She then asked, How'd you guess?

He said, Can I have my dog back?