Monday

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ... WHO IN THE HECK UNDERSTANDS MEN?

So which Condom would you use....?
Nike Condoms ~~~ Just do it.
Toyota Condoms ~~~ Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms ~~~ You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms ~~~ Once you pop, you can't stop.
Secret Condoms ~~~ Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Ford Condoms ~~~ Made Ford tough!
Chevy Condoms ~~~ Like a rock.
New York Lotto Condoms ~~~ Cause hey --- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms ~~~ Who's next?
Avis Condoms ~~~ Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms ~~~ Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms ~~~ Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms ~~~ Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms ~~~ Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms ~~~ We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms ~~~ Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms ~~~ The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms ~~~ Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms ~~~ It keeps going and going and going....
M&M Condoms ~~~ It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms ~~~ Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms ~~~ For friends and family.
Doublemint Condoms ~~~ Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Sears Latex Condoms ~~~ One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack ~~~ Delta is ready when you are.
The Star Trek Condom ~~~ To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

A Lord and Lady are off to the ball. They know that they will not be back until late so they tell their butler that he can have the rest of the night off.

Later in the evening, the Lady tells her husband that she is not feeling so good and wants to go home. The Lord has a number of business contacts to talk to so the Lady goes home on her own.

When she gets home she sees the butler lying on the sofa. She goes and sits down next to him. She whispers to him, "I want you to take my dress off."

The butler does as he's commanded.

"I want you to take my stockings off."

Again, he complies.

"I want you to take my bra off."

He unhooks her bra.

"I want you to take my panties off......."

After this is done, the Lady exclaims,

"And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I will fire your ass!"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

You might be a redneck if…

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

When the skipper of an Icelandic trawler accidentally rammed Englishman Jim Hughes's yacht this past June, he caused $30,000 worth of damage.
Exactly a year and a day before, reported THE TIMES of London, the skipper, Eriker Olafsson, had hit the same boat, causing $40,000 in damage.
What are the odds of this happening twice? Pretty good, since this year Olafsson purposely steered toward Hughes to apologize for the previous year's collision.

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard,saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well,and soon he had enough money to send for the wife andchildren. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time tolearn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him,even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferredto private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (withone staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea.One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," hesaid, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checksof yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of recordhas just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about makingtrouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such ahigh class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"