Monday

A little girl in first grade was doing very well especially in spelling. One day she came home with new words to study for an upcoming test and she asked her mother to help. They came to the word "knit" and her mother asked her to spell it.
She said, "n-i-t".
Her mother said, "No, try again."
She said, very slowly, "n-i-t".
Her mother said, "Now, honey, I know you know how to spell this word, try again."
Very aggravated and very slowly, as if her mother was just not getting the whole picture, she spelled, "N-I-T!"
Finally, her mother told her that the correct spelling was k-n-i-t.
The little girl looked at her mother, put her hands on her hips and said, "THE 'K' IS SILENT!"

A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street. Some Jews were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Baptist church, which met earlier in the morning for revival meetings, got there first.So the Jewish synagogue had a problem.

Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members, imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.

Instead, they used bumper stickers.

One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read:"I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !"

No more parking lot problems

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off."

~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

~ Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!" You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."

~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

~ There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

~ You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even has any.

~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."

~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle.

~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

~ Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.

~ Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707....

You might be a redneck if…

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"

The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25".

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."