Tuesday

Some Expert Definitions...
Rampage
Section of a book about male sheep
Seamstress
The results of 200 lbs. stuffed into a size 6 dress
Toiletry
Where you go while on a wilderness camping trip
Quarterback
What you’ll never get if you misdial from a pay phone
Yale
What southern cheerleaders do
Lite Year
365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling
Half of a large intestine
A semi-colon
Manure
The way you say, "Mother was acquainted with the girl."

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote:

"The climate didn't agree with me."

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.

He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"

The driver said, - "Well that depends - You buyin'?"

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat.

Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water."

One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

You might be a redneck if…

You think cur is a breed of dog.

Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.

The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Braves cap on her pubic area. The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.

He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it. Then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.

However, when he lifted the Braves cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Braves cap once again and stared for a long time.

As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him to ask why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia?

He replied, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Braves cap."

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.

While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also.

The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."