In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023
MoFunny for
Women's Day · November 3, 2027
Who invented the pencil?
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Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination. -- Roy M. Goodman
The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no more respect than he exacts. -- William Hazlitt
Take away the miseries and you take away some folks' reason for living. -- Toni Cade Bambara
What do these seven verbs have in common: bring, buy, catch, fight, seek, teach, and think? Their past tenses rhyme: brought, bought, caught, fought, sought, and thought.
A caiman, related to the alligator, has 80 teeth. When one wears down, a new one grows in its place. A caiman can go through 3,000 teeth in a lifetime.
How come you can't reverse your microwave's electrical plug to quick freeze food?
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the customer service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
HELPFUL HINTS FOR LIFE
1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Sung To The Tune Of "Winter Wonderland."
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
A Rose By Any Other Name
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and The director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He asked.
"No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
You might be a redneck if…
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out.
Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her.
She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"
To which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."
As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche.
He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?"
To which she replied, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!"
WHAT'S AMORE?
When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
Who invented the pencil?
Pencil, a derivative of the Latin word pencillus for "little tail," originally described a small, fine, pointed brush.
N. J. Conte, in 1795, successfully produced pencils, after the later famed Faber family of Nuremberg, Germany, failed to do so, by using a pulverized graphite base to create a substandard, crude prototype of a pencil. Conte's method, the basic recipe used by all pencil manufacturers today, differed from the failed Faber fiasco, as he ground graphite, mixed it with certain types of clay, pressed the "dough" into sticks, and finished them in a kiln. The Faber family followed suit, and achieved the fame and fortune that previously eluded it.
The recipe used by modern pencil manufacturers, calls for dried, ground graphite, a form of carbon, mixed with clay and water in varying proportions. Pencils made with more clay produce a harder pencil, and, conversely, pencils made with more graphite produce a softer pencil. In either case, the ingredients are mixed until they reach a doughy consistency, then pass through a forming press, which presses the dough into a "pencil thin," smooth, glossy rope. After workers straighten the rope, they cut it into the desired lengths, and bake them in industrial ovens.
While the mixture is prepared and baked, workers prepare the casing that will house the lead. They shape the wooden casings, made from either red cedar or pine, into halves, and carve grooves in them to encase the graphite-based leads. The workers then carefully insert the finished leads into the grooves, glue the two wooden halves together, run the resulting slats through a saw that cuts them into single pencils, and finish them with a shaping machine that smoothes the pencils' surfaces.
Modern pencils come in over 350 flavors, each designed for a specific use, and may be purchased in over 72 colors. "Black pencils," graphite-based pencils, come in 19 degrees of hardness and of intensity. Specialty pencil leads are crafted to write on surfaces such as cloth, cellophane, plastics, and movie film. Architects, engineers, and those doing out door construction work primarily purchase these specialty leads, as they possess non-fade, weatherproof qualities. The versatility of Conte's brainchild, the pencil, makes it the essential, indispensable tool of these trades.