Friday

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!"

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs.
When the company for which I work was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company's website with these words underneath:
"Updated daily."

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.

They would reply, "How often is that?"

Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago.

A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn. The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they paying you?"

Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the house."

You might be a redneck if…

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"