Saturday

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

Sam and Mike are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Mike replies, "Why don't you ask Father Smith?"

So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Father told him.

Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which Father Smith eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.

"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my Bobby was lucky to have such a beautiful wife," said Ray, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well."

"I feel I should warn you, Ray," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour."

"But I'm not doing anything." he protested.

"I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."

Judi and Monika were chatting over coffee. Judi said, "Ya know, here lately, I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I put cream or sugar or both in it, I get this horrible stabbing pain in one eye."

With that, she took a drink of her coffee. "OWWW! Damn! See! There it goes again," she said.

Monika said, "Judi, take the spoon out of the cup."

You might be a redneck if…

You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.

My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked, "Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed limit 55.'"

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more
than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these just won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...
it's a new troll'n motor!!