Friday

This intelligence-disadvantaged male person goes into the travel agency and proclaims, "I've seen your ad about a $99.00 trip to Hawaii, and I'd like to go."

The travel agent says, "Listen, friend, this is my first day here, but I know about all the details of that crumby $99.00 offer, and believe me, you DON'T want it. Take the next best offer, which is only $1,399.00."

"Oh, no you don't," says the Idiot (showing some signs of intelligence), "you're not going to catch ME with that bait and switch. The ad says '$99.00 to Hawaii,' and THAT's what I want."

"Okay," says the agent, who takes a baseball bat from under the desk and hits the Idiot in the head. The Idiot wakes up a few hours later, on a raft out in the Pacific Ocean!

He looks around, and there's NOTHING, only he and another Idiot on the raft. "What are we going to do?" cries our hero "surely they'll send a ship for us."

"I don't think so," responds his new-found traveling companion.... "they didn't LAST YEAR!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Friends...

If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.Stone Temple Pilots

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.Winnie the Pooh

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.Charles Caleb Colton

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. Albert Camus

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen. Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life.

Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius

Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okayDave Matthews

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.;Tim McGraw

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.;Lee Iacocca

Hold a true friend with both your hands.;Nigerian Proverb

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.;Unknown

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said, "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with he boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his smiling wife calmly and rather sweetly, "The undertaker."

You might be a redneck if…

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

A young couple, Billy Bob and Ellie Sue, are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Billy Bob's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when Ellie Sue says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to piss."

Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As Billy Bob waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Billy Bob reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment, finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

Billy Bob shouts in horror, "Oh no, Ellie Sue, have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."

Saw this blonde one time in a bar sitting all alone. We had each had three drinks, and I had always thought that men had a much higher tolerance for alcohol than women. I waited until I caught her eye, then asked, "How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?"

She frowned, gave me quite the dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or five...and...Don't call me 'dizzy'!!!"

Random Cartoon Title: Laptop Design