Saturday

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company........ So off to the pet shop she went......

She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog...... As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her......

He whispered, "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car........

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY"................

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........
AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO???????????

COME ON GUESS??????

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND....................

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,

"This just ain't your day."

Do you think Dan Quayle supports NATOE?

After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady. On their honeymoon night she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.

Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously masturbating.

She smiles and says, "You’re married now. You don’t have to do that anymore."

Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, "Oh, I forgot."

My wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

"How in the world did you know that?" I asked.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven original colonies!"

You might be a redneck if…

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Superbowl. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around. Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there.

He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

"Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?"

The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife's seat."

"Where is she?" the guy replied.

"She died."

"Oh I'm sorry...don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?"

"No, they couldn't come."

"Why?"

"Because they are at her funeral."

WHAT WOMEN CAN GET AWAY WITH

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our .. womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.