Tuesday

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it.

After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box.

When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00

He ask why this was in the box.

She replied when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you.

He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was.

She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence, On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.

As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands up and yells across the bar, "Who is the baddest man in here?"

This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."

Well, the little guy goes over and whips the crap out of the big man and leaves.

Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the crap out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla.

Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?"

Bartender says, "He's in the bathroom!"

After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender, "When the guy in the bathroom wakes up, tell him his fur coat is in the trash can."

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.

The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and L_.'/ brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.

"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely? Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"

"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?"

He started to walk away, paused, and then said "But I boiled them first."

You might be a redneck if…

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...I know my Master is there and that is enough."

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."