Wednesday

When our company was selling top-of-the-line business computers, our advertising team proposed sponsorship of a major golf tournament on television. Surprised when approval came through quickly, I asked the head of the ad team how he had persuaded our usually reluctant chairman of the board.

"It sold itself," the ad-man told me. "When the chairman first heard the idea, he asked, 'Why on earth would you want to sponsor a golf tournament? The only ones who watch them are people like me.'"

"Then he paused and said, 'Oh.'"

To become a doctor at the Moron School Of Medicine, answer these questions:

Question Answer

Artery The study of painting

Bacteria Back door to cafeteria

Barium When doctors make mistakes

Bowel A letter like a, e, i, o, u

Caesarian Section A district in Rome

Cauterize Make eye contact with her

Coma Punctuation mark

Cat Scan Searching for kitty

Congenital Friendly

Dilate To live long

Enema Not a friend

Genital Not Jewish

High Colonic Jewish holiday

Impotent Important and well known

Labor Pain Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff A Doctor's walking stick

Morbid Make another bid

Nitrate Much cheaper than day rate

Out Patient A patient who has fainted

Papsmear Fatherhood test

Pelvis Cousin of Elvis

Post operative Letter deliveryman

Recovery Room Place to do upholstery

Rectum Damn near killed 'em

Rheumatic Thinking of love

Secretion Hiding something

Seizure Marc Anthony's friend

Tablet Small table

Terminal illness Getting sick at the airport

Tumor More than one

Urine Opposite of you're out

Varicose Very, very close

Vein Conceited

Benign After you be 8 years old

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?

A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical she says, "You can get dressed now, your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."

When the patient returns to the office a few days later, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."

The lesbian patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that, you see, I have a woman in three times a week."

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my 'dingaling' so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.

You might be a redneck if…

Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

Press Bloopers

He left for a vacation at his lodge, taking his favorite two great dames with him.

Rev. Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish plastered.

His left thumb, which was shot away, is doing nicely.

We've got fifty yankettes married into English nobility right now. Some of them are duchesses. Some are countesses. Eleven are baronesses. Only one is a lady.

The font so generously presented by Mrs. Smith will be set in position at the east end of the Church.

Babies may now be baptized at both ends.

The church is now forming a Little Mothers Club. All women desiring to become Little Mothers are asked to meet with the pastor in his study after services.

Dr. Gilbert Murray, O.M., will celebrate his ninetieth birthday quietly at his home at Boars Hill, near Oxford, tomorrow, with his wife, Lady Mary Murray. They have been married 66 years. This evening he is to broadcast in the BBC Home Service a talk called "Unfinished Battle."

A loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of the members in memory of his wife.

Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends. Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied more upon the theories of Carl Jung. One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive into the sidewalk.

Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully. "Well, what is it?" he snapped.

Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip."