Thursday

I had signed up to be a school volunteer and was helping a first-grader with her homework. However, it turned out that I was the one in need of help. The assignment required coloring, and I'm color-blind..can't tell blue from red.

As we finished our lesson, I told the little girl, "Next week you can read to me."

Looking confused, she asked, "Can't you read either?"

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

Anti-Stress kit Life Saver: To remind you to think of your peers as your "life savers." Care about each other and help each other through the stressful times that occur in life.

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'. The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'. So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says, 'Full size, king size'. And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: 'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:

'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Who made this bad prediction?

"The popular mind often pictures gigantic flying machines speeding across the Atlantic and carrying innumerable passengers in a way analogous to our modern steamships…It seems safe to say that such ideas must be wholly visionary, and even if a machine could get across with one or two passengers the expense would be prohibitive to any but he capitalist who could own his own yacht. Another popular fallacy is to expect enormous speed to be obtained. It must be remembered that the resistance of the air increases as the square of the speed and the work as the cube...If with 30 horsepower we can now attain a speed of 40 miles per hour, then in order to reach a speed of 100 miles per hour we must use a motor capable of 470 horsepower...It is clear what with our present devices there is no hope of competing for racing speed with either our locomotives or our automobiles."

You might be a redneck if…

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

A row of bottles on my shelf
caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I hope to pop
goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take,
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot,
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain,
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to sneeze,
or cough, or choke or even wheeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones so big and bright,
stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know,
is what tells each one where to go?

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will?
The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
Only the third church succeeded in keeping away the pests. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.