Monday

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS:
Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby
Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby
Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.
Nice parachute: never opened - used once
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
Open house: body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts

After a frantic caller told the Battle Creek, Michigan, Human Society about two ducks trapped by the ice on a pond, the shelter manager, Mike Pearson, rushed right over.

Mike inched his way out over nearly 100 feet of ice. As onlookers stood by, he carefully made his way to the ducks, and, thankfully, back to safety on the shore.

Both of the wooden decoys are expected to survive.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles, and we need to talk about them too!"

If you took them to happy hour, would a(n)...

computer whiz get pixil-ated?
short-order cook get fried?
aquarium owner get tanked?
boxer have too much punch?
Laundromat
user get three sheets to the wind?
gun dealer get loaded?
paratrooper take a drop too much?

You might be a redneck if…

Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up.
After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.
The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.
"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!"