In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023
MoFunny for
November 26, 2027
Where did Band-Aids come from?
+----- Answer At The End -----+
The married are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible. -- Carolyn Heilbrun
For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. -- Ingrid Bengis
The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them. -- Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999
Armadillos have exactly 4 offspring. All four come from a single egg that splits twice. So all four offspring are genetically the same - same sex, everything.
With more than 77 million cats in our homes--compared to some 65 million dogs--felines have nudged canines off their "best friend" pedestal.
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Several of us librarians received invitations, each of which had the person's name and an abbreviation of the job title. Reference Librarian, for example, was shortened to "Ref. Lib."
Since I work in the Local Studies section, mine was addressed to "Alan Duckworth, Local Stud."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
The Meek shall inherit the earth..
...after we're through with it.
I heard this on the radio while driving into work this morning and thought the men on the list might find it useful (or at least amusing). According to researcher Patty Lamberti, following are the ten things all women need to hear from the man in their lives...
1. "You're beautiful." Don't just tell her she's beautiful when she's dressed up. Tell her first thing in the morning, or during a quiet moment.
2. "You're a great lover." Make sure you tell her how great her skills are, especially if you'd like to try something new.
3. "You're so smart." Be sure to tell her how much you value her greatest assether mind.
4. "You're my best friend." If your relationship is to last, this should be the truth, not just something you tell her.
5. "You're the most important thing to me." Make sure she knows she outranks everything.
6. "I would never lie to you." And make sure this isn't a lie!
7. "I have never cheated on you." Make sure your woman knows she has no reason to suspect you.
8. "I'd be lost without you." A woman wants to know that you don't just want her and love her, you also NEED her.
9. "You're funny." The couple that laughs together stays together.
10. "I love you." These words are often the hardest for men to say. But there's nothing a woman would rather hear.
I have playing on Joke A Day Radio some bits by Los Angeles radio star Rick Dees called "Spousal Arousal." The bit's pretty simple. A spouse gets on the phone, with Dees and everyone listening, and attempts to talk his or her mate into coming home for a little lovin'. You'd think that women would be able to get their husbands home right away, but that's not always the case.
Take poor Anna who was trying to get Gary home before noon:
"Hey, Gary, are you busy?"
"Yeah. I'm getting ready to open. What's up?"
"Oh, nothing, I just wanted to know, you remember when you went fishing with Michael and them?"
"Yeh."
"I wanted to know if you wanted to come home and 'throw your fishing rod into your own private fishing pond.'"
Puzzled. "Throw my 'fishing rod' into my 'fishing pond'? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Can you come home?"
Exasperated. "I can't come home!"
"Why not? Look. I'll let you let your 'snake slither into my jungle.'"
"WHAT are you talking about?!?"
"C'mon, babe, I wanna make witchy! Come home and I'll let you play 'hide the chirizo!'"
Big heavy sigh. "What time?"
"About 11:30"?
Still exasperated. "What's for lunch?"
"ME! I'll give you your afternoon delight! So, will you come home?"
"Well. Okay. But I WANT LUNCH, TOO."
You might be a redneck if…
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
If it looks easy, it's hard.
If it looks hard, it's impossible.
If it looks impossible,
it's due tomorrow. At 8 AM.
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Where did Band-Aids come from?
Earle Dickson, an employee of Johnson and Johnson developed the Band-Aid® in 1920 for his accident-prone wife, Josephine. His employer, Johnson and Johnson, a company launched by pharmacist Robert Johnson and his two brothers, produced large, dry, cotton and gauze dressings, which remained sterile in germ-resistant packaging until opened. They formed their Company upon the premise set forth by Sir Joseph Lister, of Listerine fame, at a speech given in Philadelphia in 1876, that surgical procedures should be sterile, to reduce the alarmingly high post-operative mortality rates, which were 90% in Britain at the time.
Earle attached small pieces of this sterile gauze, produced by his employer, to the center of strips of surgical tape to bandage poor Josephine's wounds. A colleague of his encouraged him to pitch his invention to Management, which he did. Management initially dismissed his idea, but later reversed its position when Earle demonstrated how easily the bandage could easily be applied by oneself. The powers that be realized the earning potential of this invention, snatched Earle's idea, and ran with it.
The original bandages Johnson and Johnson produced, were not only handmade, but were rather large in size at 2 1/2" in width, and 18" in length. Needless to say, first year sales left much to be desired. By 1924, Johnson and Johnson revamped the production process of the Band-Aid® by using machines, and by cutting down the size of the product. Sales skyrocketed, and Earle's vision became a reality.
By the time of his death in 1961, after being rewarded by Johnson and Johnson with a token vice-presidency and later with a seat on the Board of Directors, sales of the Band-Aid® exceeded $30,000,000, and production to date exceeds one hundred billion. All of this wealth can be attributed to a frustrated husband with an idea, a clumsy, accident prone wife, a piece of sterile gauze, and a piece of surgical tape.
Band-Aids® is a registered trademark of the Johnson & Johnson Corporation