Wednesday

A Roast Turkey Recipe for Non Cooks

10-15 pound turkey
1/4 cup melted butter
1/4 cup stuffing
1/2 cup unpopped popcorn
salt and pepper to taste

Baste turkey with butter, salt and pepper.

Mix together remaining butter, stuffing and popcorn.

Stuff turkey with stuffing mixture.

Put in oven and bake at 350F.

When turkey's ass flies across the room, the turkey is done! Let's eat!

A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men, philosophers, and aspiring Buddhas. They represented all aspects of belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. Our traveler was astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the participants in this conclave were drenched, except the asparagus-eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were roofed.

"That's incredible", said the traveler.

"Not at all", said his native guide, "for is it not sung of in America, even on Broadway,

‘Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus’ ."

September is... National Papaya Month

"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh."

"Did he win?"

"No, he came in seventh."

I was watching that "Most Wanted" show, and I saw a piece about a man who was robbing convenience stores and beating up the clerks. I thought, "Well, I'm on the road a lot. I have a fair chance of nabbing this guy."
One afternoon I stopped at a convenience store, and I SAW HIM! He was walking right out of the store! Even though I was scared, I went right over there and jumped on him.
I took him down to the ground and started beating on him.
Within moments, the cops arrived, but they arrested ME.
It turns out that actors are used on that show.

You might be a redneck if…

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hl are you looking at, Sh-thead?"

During the Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "Weuse it to relay enemy information to the crewlike instant messaging."

Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"

MALE OR FEMALE

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE: male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Random Cartoon Title: First pessimist