Tuesday

ANSWERS:

(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

(2) There are twelve (not four).

(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.

(6) Horse racing.

(7) The President.

(8) Throw the ball straight up.

(9) Suicide.

(10) Sleeplessness.

(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.

(12) You will have two apples.

(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.

A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the Station where he was based were so high. She received the following letter back:

"Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the necessary action."

Cruciverbalist: 14-letter word for crossword maniac.

3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection. The first nurse sees it, and says "I'm dying for it," gets atop the man and has her way with it.

The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.

They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines.

One of the nurses replies, "He's dead anyway, he won't be bothered."

The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.

Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses asks him "We thought you were dead!"

The man replies, "After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!"

He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room.

"Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah, 5 .... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.

The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to 'Give' you anything."