Monday

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

80 Year Old Birthday Girl

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says "it's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity.

Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sunny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

You might be a redneck if…

You consider a three piece suit to be&; a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

Cop Lines
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a crap in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like crap. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."