One Liners

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Don't expect your love alone to make a neat person out of a messy one.

Do the right thing, regardless of what others think.

Don't waste time trying to appreciate music you dislike. Spend the time with music you love.

Get into the habit of putting your billfold and car keys in the same place when entering the house.

Set high goals for your employees and help them attain them.

Never type a love letter. Use an ink pen.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Life will sometimes hand you a magical moment. Savor it!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Boston Orioles were named for the Maryland state bird in the early 1900s.

Barbie is a college graduate. She attended a generic educational institution called State College.

First toilet in the White House: 1825, installed for John Quincy Adams.

Turn enemies into friends by doing something nice for them.

Cruciverbalist: 14-letter word for crossword maniac.

The Bible is the most popular crossword subject.

In 1925, Theodore Koerner shot and wounded his wife after she refused to help him solve a crossword puzzle.

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

Shh! Be vewy, vewy qwiewet! I'm hunting wuntime ewwors.

Optimist: A YUGO owner.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.