Saturday

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

Psychiatric Carols
-
SCHIZOPHRENIA- Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and....

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

PARANOIA- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry.
I'm Gonna Pout then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me (And Then Took it All Away)

Or, for some of us....

ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER - Dashing through the snow, dashing through the snow...dashing...

Work&; It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween costume party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one.

"Still not big enough!"

So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.

He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway.

When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine."

She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green.

Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.

The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there.

Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole."

She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!"

You might be a redneck if…

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."