Sunday

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!""What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

I had just come out of a store when the blast of a car horn scared me. When I turned to yell at the rude driver, I saw a large white poodle sitting in the driver's seat of a parked car.
When the impatient dog honked again, a man came scurrying out of a shop, shouting, I'll be there in a minute!"
"Did you teach your dog to do that?" I asked him.
"Yes," he said, "and now he won't let me go anywhere!"

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

File under "I R a college graduate." This spring students begin to hear if they got accepted to the college of their dreams. For some, their fates were sealed, unfortunately, by what they wrote on their application forms.

"He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego."

"Playing the saxophone lets me develop technique and skill which will help me in the future, since I would like to become a doctor."

"The outdoors is two-dimensional, challenging my physical and mental capabilities."

"Listed under Name of Activity: Cook and serve homeless."

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeer Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole

You might be a redneck if…

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

Yikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn. (His carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!) So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what?

I go right into labor! "No problem," my obstetrician said, "make the trip."

Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special, but it's been a madhouse ever since. First, we can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Immanuel; I'm holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough already!). At least these three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?). We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling.

Well, got to go. Joseph had another one of his goofy visions, so I guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!

All my love,

Mary

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1" "2" "3" "4" "5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.