Friday

An engineer dies and reports to Heaven. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Soon dissatisfied with his surroundings, he designs and builds improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.

One day God calls Satan and asks with a sneer, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! Send him up here or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs and answers, "And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops them cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

The Boob Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

This was written by a black guy in Texas.......funny and insightful.

Colored

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.

So who you calling colored?

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

THINGS MOMS WOULD NEVER SAY

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

For years, a man was oblivious to the fact that his image was featured on Taster's Choice coffee labels.

Russell Christoff, a former model from Northern California, posed for a two-hour Nestle photo shoot in 1986 but figured it was a bust until he came across his picture while shopping for bloody mary mix at a drug store in 2002.

Now, Christoff is $15.6 million richer after a jury ordered Nestle USA to pay him for using the likeness without his permission and profiting from it. Some might ask why Christoff didn't notice the image sooner, but he has a simple reason for that.

"I don't buy Taster's Choice," he said. "I do beans." Well, there you go.